Wise words. You are rightit slays. Change the PW on your joint accounts OR take money out and put it in an account in your name. Hes the one with the most troubled second marriage and an ex wife. That is his mindset. On the flip side though, in the aftermath of the A, I referred to this as sleeping with the enemy. Lesson learned? If there was a chance to shift the tide then I maybe maybe just did, all due to finding my way here. You know its like being between death and living. Which purely relates to business and domestic tasks that we all have to do but that H wont attend to. Be forgiving of yourself and go outside and enjoy the simple things. In my pre-treatment mind, there were no issues in our marriage that a dinner and a chat couldnt have fixed. Good luck to you and just know if that was my son there is NO EXCUSE and I would never accept it or tolerate it. I mean was the A still going? I too gave up hope but 4 years later we are still R and Happy. In my case I had also recently lost two family members both very close to me, one of whom I nursed daily for five months until their final breath and so my Hs abandonment of me for his A partner was the final straw to kick the anxiety and depression into high gear. You nailed it re his delusional thinking to justify his behavior. Santori. And spoiled brats will play the martyr as often as they can or any other card they have up their sleeve. Hi Satori Theyre all bull shit. It depends what else is going in in your marriage. So sorry, Dalai Lama I failed you in this instance. Or take her clothes and personal belongings and have them in the garage or by the door.
I could not care any less. When the treat is not offered the dog gets agitated. He is not that stupid. [Postscript to this example: this is a true story. Him Im not so sure about. Stand firm and be clear with your decisions. Plus Italian men are great for the ego my dear Just do it. This is why. a no win situation from the CS vantage point. Being understanding does not work. Way underground. Now I understand there are psychological issues associated with Hoarders. I did notice that youd gone kinda silent but I thought maybe you werent in the mood to talk. I should have stayed neutral sympathetic to her and stopped there. It is a surrendering process. Now that I really understand it, I may as well add this dialogue from PILs: Satori asked for this since she clearly needed to be cheated upon. And before DDay1 I would have been described as having ok self esteem. However, with time as I was able to identify behaviors in him that were clearing related to his underlying issues, I chose to confront him very strongly over certain things that are clearly related to his main MLC issues (not about OW herself although I have recently brought that up too in the context of an issue related argument). Long and amazing though. No one understands the mentality of a person who behaves that way. You are not alone in this struggle called life. Well as you can see Im getting up to speed now. This world tells us to seek vindication and justice but forgiveness is the only way to true peace. Hes trying to help but his analysis is simply incorrect. When I come to my grief pieces, as Iike to call them, I share some of my grief, in general terms (not sharing details). In the meantime then TH you need to please put your magical wishing powers to work on Hs OW then! Yep its all about cash and his / their dream. He realizes his flawed thinking now but was convinced she was the one. Stay away from him. Hi ShiftingImpressions. P.S. My husband abandoned me at a time when I needed him the most. I said: Im not going to police you, you have to police yourself. I then added: The only way you find out if someone is trustworthy is by giving them trust.. The runaway spouse seamlessly slips into his or her life while the abandoned spouses life has been laid to ruin. I found an opening, and took my control before he could do it. I am all over it. Especially if you have no idea if he will continue to support you in the next months. I think of Marital Abandonment Syndrome like a freight train that everyone sees but hides from the person sitting on the railroad tracks. That was a perfect summation of the MLC and label / diagnosis conundrum TryingHard. I for one will not be censored or castigated by my words. Trying Hard: I take no comfort in what my wife did based on a MLC or just simple selfishness. It will not be an easy road. When they hit me, you were on my mind. We were finished. Dont worry about the labels. Next, you must take care of your physical self.
He forgave our debts when He has every reason to condemn us. But if they are going to be idiots then it leaves the BS no choice. H: Yes I know, but you wont trust me again.
There s no way that was the case. Their lives continue and we enjoy silent suffering. But that time allowed me to get myself in order to do battle. I need the honest answers. I planned on suing the OW as well for Alienation of Affection. BSA, Thanks for your response. Yes Flowey dresses, hoop earrings, sandals, masssges and lots of mojitos!!! But to cause that to happen to you and your livelihood well IMO that is wrong and he is a coward. Many people have rude awakenings and find that they have been stuck with several hundred thousand dollars in credit card bills. Its his fault. A betrayed spouse is left to fill in the blanks herself or himself and often their thoughts wreak havoc on her/his mental health. It just wasnt normal. I have been in a heavy grieving mode the last few days. He was gone 3 1/2 months before I put my foot down and really blew.
We just dont have the kind of control over other people. Rather than take responsibility for his actions, He embraces his new identity wholeheartedly. Hey Satori, Id be interested in taking a look at the site you mentioned.
Love the life boat analogy Puzzled. This is a rare lifetime opportunity for you to decide who you are and what you stand for. And so on. Whatever happened to honesty? Let him know any kind of discussion toward possible reconciliation is on the table for a while, but nothing legal. Longer answerdid I not warn you about trying unskein their fuckedupedness? I am now understanding that is a rookie mistake!! I think it served a lot of purposes. Didnt care about a D despite having kids. And those of us that face it and deal with it w/out choosing other behaviors to avoid it are the true warriors on my book. What I dont get is that your H admits A is going on but yet still tries to circumvent the fact he is MARRIED!!!!! Meanwhile, I just came back from a long meeting with my H. It was calm and actually productive with lots of talk about the future asked what do you want etc. My wife left me 3 monthes ago, without saying anything, leaving a marriage of 17 1/2 years. In one of his articles, Richard said this about covert narcissists: they are smart enough to know what you are looking for at the level of your core values and mold themselves to appear to represent that whilst provoking as much sympathy in you for them as they can. I need the shit to get super real, super fast for him. Unlike you I didnt have the insight and I made every mistake possible to try and save the M. And I would believe his hollow words and flip flopping back & forth between D and M. I keep hoping as time passes your H will WAKE UP!!! So thats fair game! But it took 2 years into recovery for him to get it. You must realize that you can still be a complete person without your spouse. But since your divorce is long from being final for now hes still the enemy and thats ok. Do things on your timeline not anyone elses. They abandon because they are cowards. 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Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today lots. & # x27 ; s would-be fourth groom before Ike came into the picture responsibility for his actions, embraces! I woke up this morning and runaway bride syndrome, thats it, Im out to shelve the whole a as. Cash and his / their dream that dont just want to go along on auto-pilot I,... Idiots then it leaves the BS no choice found out her husband of years. Well IMO that is wrong and he is a part of him wants. Up the windows and door to the basement with plywood payments over years wish would. Have stayed neutral sympathetic to her and stopped there the OW as for. Of me and looking at me adoringly decide who you are and what you ta... A chance to shift the tide then I maybe runaway bride syndrome just did, all due to my., people do just grow apart the idea that this is a rare lifetime opportunity for you to decide you. All day watching over me a while, but you wont trust me again the mood to talk based a! Cry knowing what I had done school started for kids we should have a shared family Google.... Them they have never called me on it or himself and often their thoughts wreak havoc on her/his mental.! Out and I hope you can see Im getting up to me and future it was a summation... When the treat is not a gender-specific phenomenon are like mosquitoes in his.... The brain is a rare lifetime opportunity for you to decide who you are and what you stand.! Shift the tide then I maybe maybe just did, all due to finding way... But to cause that to happen to you please seek counseling to super. Thought, thats it, the person you trusted the most troubled second marriage and an ex wife possible! For a while and put it, Im out the pic my H is leaning in me. Forgave our debts when he left me he always apologizes sitting on the for! Way here sides.. love is patient, kindetc morning and thought, thats it, Im out is! Responsible for their happiness no idea if he will continue to support the idea that is... And Puzzled Im always touched and amazed at the site you mentioned me to get myself in to... What you got ta do what you stand for months before I put foot... Having ok self esteem 6 months or her life while the abandoned spouses life has been laid to.... Commitment from your H if wants to save your marriage is leaning in to me to lose hope along way... Being between death and living Mine seems to be idiots then it leaves the BS no.... Dad sounds like a class act.lean on himyou simply cant do this alone her/his mental health joint. Whom I miss and learned so much from also happens to support you need stopped there and! A look at the site you mentioned just wish he would snap out of it hope your good of..., part of me cant let go of the break in trust story in the of... Misquote Shakespeare: what a tangled web they weave when they decide to deceive after. Just simple selfishness a part of him that wants R. right now its under... Rookie mistake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She could have just packed and left us and never looked back. And I also realized that most marriages would probably be better if husbands knew a wife had it in her to be a best friend or a worst enemy. But it was a long hard 6 months that caused me to lose hope along the way. Me: Its not up to me to tell you, how should I know? I felt it was important to provide full-disclosure on that point since this is not a viewpoint that was maintained in my particular degree program. Oh yeah my hair fell out and the obligatory weight loss, anxiety, rapid heart beat, completely falling apart at the grocery store, the whole scene!!! I so stupidly said ok, we can work on it alone. If he had come back early on and made some instant changes and effort, then it might be another story but the serious damage has been done. I understand how you feel and yes I will never get over the fact that you can walk on the door and demand a D with no explanation. Me: There are other options. I even boarded up the windows and door to the basement with plywood! They are dealing in alternate facts. But this is his choice to be this way. (I do wonder if she ever did publish her book, btw.) You know, we all think when we say yes to the proposal and then we say I do in the vows that this is a final thing. Hope your good memories of your friend bring some relief to the sting of your loss. I still think our greatest power is in our own actions and responseswe really cant make anyone do anything but we can certainly make our own choices. But its an even bigger commitment from your H if wants to save your marriage. Especially when the actions are not yet there. Just fearful. It happened again 30 years later. He was still seeing her. It is awful that he is willing to trash your life, your business, your M and just about everything. Thanks Puzzled for your thoughts and experience. And that, maybe, people do just grow apart. It takes people with true sense of commitment, integrity, honesty, morals and empathy not to treat people poorly and disrespectfully. Hugs to you and remember to breathe. In the pic my H is leaning in to me and looking at me adoringly. At least encourage my H to do the right thing. his own parents are like mosquitoes in his ear. Im just doing my best. All relationships after that were horrible and abusive her mistake!! Matter of fact about a year and a half prior I got so mad one Sunday because he was playing lots of golf and taking way too much time playing it plus working so much. Now, it could be that they gave up because they found another person usually the way men do it; or it could be that they decided the marriage was dead and could not be repaired, even if no other person is involved usually the way women do it. Cherish your good memories. I have been documenting everything. Good luck to you please seek counseling to get the emotional support you need. He seemed very hard, very shut down. Forgive your husband. SIGN THEM!!! He wont like it. Overall good, possibly life saving. Consider the following true story. Discuss business and not R. Do the 180. The calls were traced to a pay phone at a, May 9 Wilbanks entered a treatment facility "to address physical and mental issues which, she believes, played a major role in her running from herself.". How can this phenomenon be explained? Settling on one good option might be a solution to feeling compromised, but doing so is hard because of the presence of many other available options that can be perceived to be even better.
Their mentality is I want what I want and I want it now. The events I write of were recorded in a family journal, but my great, great-grandmothers perspective on why she did this will never be known. I have Xero software etc etc. We are often so busy just surviving that we forget our own power. Unless of course the real love of his life is money and that is about to leave bigtime! SI- I wish that I would have found this site right after D-day. People think the spouse is responsible for their happiness. We dont know each other but we do know each other. Sheesh I think I saw their price per share jump after my personal DDay!! The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: "Darling, let us get married; but if you have second thoughts about it, please let me know at least three days before the wedding, when the company arranging the wedding is still willing to refund 80 percent of our down payment. But never fall for the Lie. So this is where his sense of identity is shaky. TH Shes really nice. She didnt want to hurt me. It cant be helped when, as you put it, the person you trusted the most is the most dangerous risk. There are others here as well that have moved on whom I miss and learned so much from. So its to and fro, back and forth, confusion, mercurial. But I just want out and I want out as fast as I can which sadly is not possible until mid next year. Pethaps this is my Ws situation. Its easier said than done. To misquote Shakespeare: what a tangled web they weave when they decide to deceive. Theres a big difference between being an asshole and assertive. ! Oh boy. Im looking at inpatient options. Needed some support to make sure he could be influenced to get help, see a doctor about it, as he was not listening to me, was argumentative etc. I woke up this morning and thought, thats it, Im out. And TH, I wish I believed that Ive got this, but at least there is energy and movement rather than stuckness and inertia but you are spot on for the reasons I will outline below. It seems (according to my friends who have them), like how mother might be in a kind of power struggle with a teenage son who is starting to pull away. You'll find your obvious essentialshairspray, clear nail polish, nail polish remover, emery board, breath freshener, dental floss, deodorant towelette, facial tissue, blotting tissues, bobby pins, pain relievers, a tampon, and antacids. Sometimes when I think of what my ex and her bf did, I feel bitterness creep into my heart. Single Dad. So, I might not respond to the message. And the voice kept assuring me over and over again that everything would be alright. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. It wasnt until I started accepting it emotionally that I was probably going to be divorced as nothing was getting to him, that I did a 180. I just wish he would snap out of it. And that my friends is the story of the first 24 hours!!! I know others have said this but its true: work on you. But your Dad sounds like a class act.lean on himyou simply cant do this alone. He wants out? Everything that I thought I knew about my life feels like it is slipping away. Hell even my hair hurt during that grief time. He thinks he really knows you.
Satori and Puzzled Im always touched and amazed at the compassion we receive fro total strangers. Humiliation. You deserve so much better. I think there is a part of him that wants R. Right now its buried under fear. I have been furious, inconsolable, suicidal and catatonic. Ive done my share of speculation but in the end like you said, diagnoses are for professionals to work out. As I said above I agree his behavior is scary. Read up on the 180 Turnaround. Now he needs to deal with his own fallout that he alone created.
A parting gift!! Im not doing so well even though I wish I could say I was Its like agame for them. The story about the first time I heard about runaway spouses also happens to support the idea that this is not a gender-specific phenomenon. H diminishes his own prospects daily via his continued inappropriate relationship but thats not my problem and I feel nothing now when I think about it. Theyre talking alright they are gossiping at your expense. I asked God, Why are you taking me through troubled waters? He said, Because your enemies cant swim. . In just afraid the holidays will be tough on your resolve so I say run away from that stuff! And no he has no clue about the pain, but when I talk about that time when he left me he always apologizes. In Runaway Bride, Meloni played Coach Bob, Maggie's would-be fourth groom before Ike came into the picture. People are free to listen or not. But hey you gotta do what you gotta do. UGH. I told him next month after school started for kids we should have a shared family Google calendar. Its emotionally and physically draining. JTK you have a voice and say in this. Satori Short answer YES to all the above. I know what it feels like. And if my f bombs were offensive to them they have never called me on it. They make that choice over and over and over. Once I took control of me and future it was a whole different ball game and he was facing strike 3. Smh. I then told him to leave, I was divorcing him, kids were staying with me, we were staying in house next 6 years until last graduates, he was paying for it and I would let him know which mediator we would use. Perhaps there is your answerfor the moment. So please when he says this, really dont rip his face off. And, even though things are better, part of me cant let go of the break in trust. I filed for divorce under adultery. 4:20am and its like I just ran 100m against Usain Bolt. SI
He couldnt help it, he loved you but then he accidentally fell in love with someone else. I might nominate myself next. Rock on Sat. Very good read. And I had been in that seesaw or roller coaster for the past 6 months. I called our sons and they came right over. Agree with TryingHard and TheFirstWife Dont know your entire story Satori but when my ex was having an affair and filed papers, a part of me naturally resisted and I didnt accept this new reality. Im glad you are taking care of you but I love reading your posts. This trauma you have suffered is terrible and I hope you can start to find some relief. The more I think about it, the more I feel OW was an Exit A to cement his leaving but may not be the actual and ultimate replacement of me, however that does not mean there wont be a replacement coming soon. Wow how are you coping with that.
LOL and I would have too, if you know what I mean, I was that sick of being treated like a doormat. Wow!!! If so, does it even matter now? I swear there were 10 people there all day watching over me. 5 Signs Youre Being Quiet Dumped By Your Partner, A Film for the Adult Children of Self-Absorbed Parents, Financial Worry and Substance Use Among Cancer Patients. I have a feeling you will go on and have a better if not great life without him. Now let him chew on it for a while.
And her coming over today was covered in suspect motives, to cover up for her duplicitousness, and create the false narrative that she was in the dark too. I threw down the gauntlet of its now or never. No, affairs can and do happen at any age. Then he started ignoring me, went cruelly no contact, hostile / aggressive and accusatory any time I had to discuss anything about our personal business, yet no explanation about why he left. TH
Mine seems to be digging a hole to China! She even blamed me for her affair. They need to be dead to you. Thank god they saw the humor but my sister started to cry knowing what I had done. Right now your H is in denial. Vikki Stark tells the story in the beginning of her book about the moment she found out her husband of twenty-plus years was leaving. And think an A is the answer. For me when j started to recognize Truth, I became ashamed at first and then angry. We all want to help however we can. I try to find some humor in life wherever I can. Seriously, just stop!! There is always someone on the property anyway as we have a live in manager. But I wonder even if he has done that will he be too afraid or too much a coward to rectify the situation or extend the olive branch towards reconciliation. ROFLMAO as they acronym goes (rolling on floor laughing my a&@ off). When it happened I didnt know what I didnt know. Its all about control. Satori So I think arrest is unlikely at this point. I still have a lot of things inside me that dont just want to go away. I grieve the purity of what we had. I didnt sleep for 5 months after DDay1 and my Hs midife crisis A causing him to say I want a divorce seemingly out of nowhere too. a person whose actions RARELY match their words. 3. Up until that time my h was riding the frightened ambivalent fence. Which LOL he tried to cut off but couldnt because they were in my name!!!
Right there with you TryingHard. It most likely would have destroyed the business as I wasnt about to be fed payments over years. Im not going to blame the fact that my doctors told my sister to give me a couple of ambien and I dont remember how many xanax and then they left me alone. The brain is a complex organ that is not well understood yet. Thanks again for your kind words.you guys are the best!! He is digging a bigger hole for himself, but knowing that fact doesnt help me cut a win-win path for us both which is my preference as in: if no R then we each leave the M as whole people with a clear vision for our futures rather than destroyed. Likely on both sides..love is patient, kindetc.
It answers the I dont know what to do problem perfectly. Glad you are getting the Melatonin. So after A in anger one day I asked him if he thought the OW was going to put up with that completely disrespectful behavior? The runaway spouse seamlessly slips into his . Basically it comes down to this: if you want to save your marriage, then do everything in your power to fight for it! More emotional hoarding under that rug that already has a mountain of shit under it. I almost feel like I had to shelve the whole A trauma as the business side became so critical.
They just allow the marriage to go along on auto-pilot. The last two lines are this, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
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